god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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