The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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