If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's shark week go big or go home
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
