I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
