could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
