Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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