I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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