I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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