____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
