Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
bring money and cleavage
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
