you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
