I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize