he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
