Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
