Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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