If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
