he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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