I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
