now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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