They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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