Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
