Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
