I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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