No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
