Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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