Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
