some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
