I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize