Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
