party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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