I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
