You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
