There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
last night I used snow as a chaser
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
