i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
