I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did you pee in the oven last night??
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
