He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you had me at cake vodka
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
