dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
