just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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