I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
