He uses pillows to masturbate.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
