My sheets look like a crime scene.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
