Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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