I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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