She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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