in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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