I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
