I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
