there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
