He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
All I want is dick and wine.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize