Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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