haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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