it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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