I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
