Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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