life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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