hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
