I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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