He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
