If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
