I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Randomize
